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An Interesting Wedding Invitation!!
2 years ago
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Don't Bother Me
Reincarnation - funniest drunk joke
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed..
Nude Statue
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," answered the mother, "You will have many"
No Refills
A Helping Hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job", Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
ICICI Defaulters
Rajeev and Mona are flying to Australia on a two-week vacation to celebrate their 20th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Rajeev turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajeev, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajeev," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajeev grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 20 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajeev answers, "Thnx to U... They'll find us !
Delivery
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!
Confused Boy
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.
While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above …
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above …
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
Reincarnation - funniest drunk joke
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed..
Nude Statue
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," answered the mother, "You will have many"
No Refills
A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true”, the woman wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.” The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.” The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”
A Helping Hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job", Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
ICICI Defaulters
Rajeev and Mona are flying to Australia on a two-week vacation to celebrate their 20th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Rajeev turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajeev, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajeev," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajeev grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 20 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajeev answers, "Thnx to U... They'll find us !
Delivery
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!
Confused Boy
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
Heroism and Devotion
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
Best Sex Ever
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Sick Days
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
My point exactly
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
World's Fastest
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from India's Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
Best Sex Ever
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Sick Days
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
My point exactly
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
World's Fastest
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from India's Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
Side effects of alcohol and cures
Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Remedy : Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Remedy: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Remedy: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Remedy: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Remedy: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Remedy: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Remedy: Ask if they can point you to your house
Powerful Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing"
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the MALES in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
While All the FEMALES in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Remedy : Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Remedy: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Remedy: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Remedy: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Remedy: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Remedy: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Remedy: Ask if they can point you to your house
Powerful Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing"
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the MALES in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
While All the FEMALES in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Pascal is Out
All the scientists die and go to heaven.
They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den.
He is supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting: 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100...
All the scientists die and go to heaven.
They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den.
He is supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting: 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100...
Newton denies and says Newton is not out........ He claims that he is not Newton ...... All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... since a Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT !!!
Dont ask if u aren't prepared for the answer
Dont ask if u aren't prepared for the answer
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
Crew boss
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
Crew boss
A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job. Upon his return home, his parents asked him what happened.
“You know what a crew boss is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches everyone else work.”
“What’s that got to do with it?” they asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” the young biologist explained. “Everyone thought I was the crew boss.”
“You know what a crew boss is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches everyone else work.”
“What’s that got to do with it?” they asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” the young biologist explained. “Everyone thought I was the crew boss.”
3 men in Hell
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads.
Simple Operation
Evolution
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Sonu do you see the tree outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Sonu: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Sonu: No.
Teacher: That`s my point. We can`t see God because he isn`t there. He doesn`t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Do you see the tree outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Little girl: do you see the grass outside?
Sonu: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Sonu: Yessssss
Little Girl: do you see the teacher?
Sonu: Yes
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Sonu: No
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn`t have one?
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads.
Simple Operation
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
Evolution
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Sonu do you see the tree outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Sonu: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Sonu: No.
Teacher: That`s my point. We can`t see God because he isn`t there. He doesn`t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Do you see the tree outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Little girl: do you see the grass outside?
Sonu: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Sonu: Yessssss
Little Girl: do you see the teacher?
Sonu: Yes
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Sonu: No
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn`t have one?
Daughter to Father...
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow.
It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend John because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and John said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though John is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
John has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend John because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and John said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though John is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
John has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
The Blonde Convention
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The Lie Game
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
MBA Students
One night four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.
The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tire burst ? (98 marks)
Beer Bottles - Wonderful Theory
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,
"You are the reason I don't have a wife",
2nd bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children",
3rd bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the 4th bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says,
"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The Lie Game
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
MBA Students
One night four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.
The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tire burst ? (98 marks)
Beer Bottles - Wonderful Theory
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,
"You are the reason I don't have a wife",
2nd bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children",
3rd bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the 4th bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says,
"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"
Constipation
Big Fart
Plus a constant
An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
Big Fart
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and ex President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
Sleeping together
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
Sleeping together
A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit.
“Is anything funny going on here”? He asked.
“What do you mean by that?” the pair asked back.
“I mean, you’re not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you’re not supposed to do?”
“Absolutely not!” the Jim replied. “ We are strictly co-workers”
“Oh yes,” the Sarah replied, “ We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted.
“That’s right!” Jim replied, “And me in my tent, and she in hers!”
The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in the field with the pair.
He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the area.
The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit. They searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken the unit.
“As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the field, I placed it in Sarah’s sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!”
“Is anything funny going on here”? He asked.
“What do you mean by that?” the pair asked back.
“I mean, you’re not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you’re not supposed to do?”
“Absolutely not!” the Jim replied. “ We are strictly co-workers”
“Oh yes,” the Sarah replied, “ We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted.
“That’s right!” Jim replied, “And me in my tent, and she in hers!”
The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in the field with the pair.
He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the area.
The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit. They searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken the unit.
“As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the field, I placed it in Sarah’s sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!”
Plus a constant
Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed.”
She repeats “one third — dex cue”?
He repeats “one third x cubed”.
She asks, “one thir dex cuebd?”
“Yes, that’s right,” he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd…”.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks “what is the integral of x squared?”
The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder “plus a constant!”
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed.”
She repeats “one third — dex cue”?
He repeats “one third x cubed”.
She asks, “one thir dex cuebd?”
“Yes, that’s right,” he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd…”.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks “what is the integral of x squared?”
The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder “plus a constant!”
Great Cost Cutting Measures for Office
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2010
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1 You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Share this to all who are employed!
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1 You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Share this to all who are employed!
Job Interview - Honest HR Q&A
If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.
5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... More money
11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.
5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... More money
11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).
Baby's Delivery according to Corporate World
1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Cool Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
And lastly...
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.
2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Cool Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
And lastly...
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Perfect PC
After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
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fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
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Childhood Reflections.......Choose what u used to be
There are 20 different images and choose those u think reflecting your childhood...
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before and after marriage..
before and after marriage..
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
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After marriage...just read from bottom to top...
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
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After marriage...just read from bottom to top...
Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Do u Think Girls are Genius.....?
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention
that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a
mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.
Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times
'milder' than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention
that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a
mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.
Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times
'milder' than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
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