Sign Language

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy your're talking about."

 

 

Torpedo Attack

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something... at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst out laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when his dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table. The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

 

Ugliest Goat

A Guy gets shipwrecked on an island. He finds that is it inhabited by all males. After a couple of days, he asks what they do for fun, and the men tell him, that once a month, they go to the back of the island, take a rowboat, and go to the island across the bay that has goats on it, and they have their way with them. The guy is in disbelief, and says, "I'll pass on that" A few months go by, and the day of the trip across the island, he is the first on the boat, and the first one out of the boat when they get there, and runs up and starts making love to this goat. Well, all the rest of the guys are laughing their head off. He turns and asks what the hell are they laughing at, and the guys say, "Well, you were the first to get out here, and you picked the ugliest goat."

 

Matrimonial reply

Reply to an online Matrimonial from a Pakistani man: Madam: I am an young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely. I am a spoiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot. I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb bells in the Jim. I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb bells in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So, I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation. Expecting soon, Yours and only yours Choudhary Warraich born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punja

 

Female Clerk

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."

 

Latex Products

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" "Wait a minute" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business"

 

Imported Cars!

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and horny. In the check out stand she noticed a young bagger and thought she might approach him. When he asked if he could take her groceries to her car she excitedly said, "Yes." As they headed to the door she touched his arm and said, "I have an Itchy Pussy." The young man smiled and kept walking. Feeling he maybe he didn't understand when they reached the door she said again, "I have a itchy Pussy!" The young man smiled and started to look in all directions, in the parking lot she tried one more time, "I have an itchy pussy!" The young man turned and replied, "Lady your going to have to point it out to me, because all those import cars look alike to me!"

 

Self Raising!

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks. It wasn't long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, "Is yours self-raising too?" The feeble old man croaked, "No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!"

 

Time to Wash

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." Human Sexuality While teaching a course in human sexuality, a lecturer was discussing the results published in a recent report. Her pupils gasped aloud when she explained that one woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session. A young male student enquired: "Wow, that's great!!! Who was she?" A female student replied: "Never mind that, who was HE?" Wonder Woman At the end of a long crime-fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink. Spiderman replies, "No, I have to repair my web spinner." So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot. Superman was getting turned on looking at her. He thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!" Open Wider! There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider." She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, hon." The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?" So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?" He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out." Orgasmic Sneeze A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude." He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he replies.

 

Hair Fragrance

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

 

Toaster Refund

Okay, so this lady goes into a shop and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts! " In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!" Her money was refunded.

 

Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied, "before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued, "before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out his best friend was banging his wife.

 

Screw all Night

It's the spring of 1957 and Joe goes to pick up his date, Peggy. Joe is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy is not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Joe. Peggy's father asks Joe what they are planning to do. Joe replies politely that they will probably just go to the mall or to a drive-in movie. Peggy's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Joe and he says, ''Whaaaat?'' "Yeah," says the father, "Peggy really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Joe's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Joe escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!'' About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''

 

Two Old Ladies

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting."

 

 

Dirty Gestures

Once upon a time, there was a bridge between an American held territory and a Polish Country. An American soldier was assigned to walk and guard the bridge, so did the Polish. The American soldier was given strict orders not to talk with the Polish soldier as they met at the center of the bridge on each patrol. The American became bored, so obeying orders not to talk; he decided sign language was OK. On the next pass, he gestured by putting both hands above his head and moving his fingers as he brought his hands down (asking of course, are you in the paratroops?). The Polish soldier frowned and passed on by. The next pass the American took his right hand two fingers and walked them down his left arm (you must be in the ground troops?). The Polish soldier frowned again. The next pass the American took his left hand and made a circle with his index finger and thumb, and inserted his right index finger through the circle (you must be in artillery?). The Polish soldier threw down his rifle and ran off the bridge!! The American's CO called the American soldier in and asked, "What in the hell did you say to that Polish soldier?" The American said, "Nothing, just some sign language". The American C O said, "Do you know what he told his CO? He told his CO that you told him 'When the sun comes down...I'm going to walk across this bridge to your camp... and Fuck you in the Asshole!"