Side effects of alcohol and cures

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Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Remedy : Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Remedy: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Remedy: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Remedy: At least ask where they're taking you.

Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Remedy: Stop making a fool of yourself!

Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Remedy: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Remedy: Ask if they can point you to your house




Powerful Punctuation

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An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing"
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the MALES in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
While All the FEMALES in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."


Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."