Preacher`s Raise | |
| There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!" |
Grammar Lesson | |
| One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Mona, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Mona," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny... Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!" |
After-Sex Cigarette | |
| A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?" |
Sexy Secretary! | |
| Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they're both already married, they agree to see who can score with her first. Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So, what did you think?" asks the partner. "Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better." Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary. "So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?" The second partner replies, "You're right... your wife is better." |
Stinking Complement | |
| Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Sarah wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much." |
Ladies Man | |
| Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man. Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly. One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried. The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!" "Crap," sighed Daniel, "there go my Sundays." |
The Moaner | |
| Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" Sadie questions, "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Stuart, should I moan now?" "No not yet." Stuart begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!" He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Stuart yells, "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!" |
Attacking Dog | |
| An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior. So, the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do." The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me." |
Viagra for Diarrhea | |
| The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.' 'Very good! And what is it used for?' 'It is used for headache.' The second pupil said: 'Nytol' 'Excellent. And what it is used for?' 'To help you sleep.' Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra' 'Johnny, what is it used for?' 'I think it can be used for diarrhea.' 'Who told you this?' 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.' |
Bubble in Bathtub | |
| A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, Lets start with the boys first. Boys start giving their intro... First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub. Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next. Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub. Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next. Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub. Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next. This continues... and the last boy stands up I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub. Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please. First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds. Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next. Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes. Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you... Most beautiful girl of the class: Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day. |
Chick with Long Legs | |
| A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' |
Dirty Words | |
| A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. " The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" .... |
I Need a Woman | |
| George desperetly wants to fuck a woman, but all her lady- friends are out of town, or otherwise unavailable. He goes to a friend Joe, who is a gigolo. "I need a woman, please help me out", he tells to his friend. "OK, that's easy. Go with train. After three stops You must exit the train. There You will see a 3-floor building. Go to appartement no. 7. When the woman opens the door, just say, 'I came here to fuck You.'. It's as simple as this." Off George goes. Time flies in a train, because George examines with his eyes all the women in the train. (unfortunately he misses one train- stop.) When he exits the train, he actually notices a three- floor house (but this is another one). He goes to appartement no. 7 and tells the lady, "I'm here to Fuck You". They get inside, undressed and right to the bed. Afrer few "rounds" George hears that someone opening the front door. He tries to dress himself, but he's not fast enough. The husband enters: "IN WHITCH TRAIN STOP I DID TELL YOU TO EXIT!" yells Joe. |
Brotherly Love!!! | |
| Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love. God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes." Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain. Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars. Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars. Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!" Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe. Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!" Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!" |
Female Survivors | |
| Three ladies were being interviewed for the position of an airline hostess. The interviewer posed the following question. "The plane you are on is filled with a troop-load of soldiers who have been away from civilization for the last few months. It crashes on a deserted island and you are the only female survivor. What do you do?" "Well," replied the English lady, "I would expect all of the men to act like gentlemen." "I," stated the American "would expect the commander to take control of his men." The girl from France responded: "What is the problem?" |
Sex Frequency | |
| After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust." |
Couple in Bed! | |
| A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer." The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer. HE GOT THE JOB!!! |
Great Dentist | |
| A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist." Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you determine that?" The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands." Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and they made love. After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know that, my dear?" His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing." |
Who Am I ? | |
| One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the man comments. Billy in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples over for our annivesary bash and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I." The guy thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Billy continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The guy laughs and says, "Damn I'm sorry I missed that." Billy responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times." |
Wanna a Quickie? | |
| This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted. The guy says, "I'd like a quickie." The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order." The guys says, "I'd really like a quickie." The waitress angrily storms off after this. Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, "I think that it's pronounced quiche..." |
Ghostly Love | |
| A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Billy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Billy replied, "Shit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!" |
Black Snow | |
| A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you!" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it." The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!" |
New Husband | |
| In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married. After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?" She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family." |
Down The Toilet | |
| A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner. |
Sexual Needs | |
| A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." |
Grass Sandwich | |
| At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it." |
Preacher`s Salary | |
| The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'." |
Shoo The Crows | |
| In a small country church, the preacher was at the pulpit addressing the congregation, saying, "We gotta little problem in da church, we's got crows in the steeple. Every time I tries to do's my sermon, the noise distracts me and drowns me out. We's need a member of da congregation to climb up to the top, and SHOO! da crows out of the steeple". Leroy a long time member of the church told the preacher that he would volunteer. Leroy climbed to the top of steeple and started to holler, "SHOO Mother F---er, SHOO Mother F---er, SHOO Mother F---er, and all the crow flew from the steeple. After climbing down, the Preacher, again addressing the congregation said, "Leroy, the congregation and I would like to thank you for SHOOIN the crow from the steeple, but we's don't appreciate the unchristian-like way you went about doing it". He said, "Now Leroy, you could have climbed up the steeple and gone, SHOO!, SHOO!, SHOO! and those Mother F-----in crows would have left! |
Attitude Problems | |
| A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's Right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!" |
Multiple Twins | |
| A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Lets' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen... " "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothing." |
Snow Bank | |
| One winter day, Adam's neighbor Joe, came up to Adam's door and started pounding on it with a great deal of anger. Adam came to the door to see a red faced Joe screaming obscenities. Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pissing in my snow bank!!!!! Adam: How do you know it was my son? Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!! Adam: Well.. I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell you, I'm not sure what your so fired up about, is it really that bad? Joe: (screaming): What I'm most angry about is it's my daughters handwriting!!! |
Mink Coat | |
| A French actress, returning from a visit to the United States, brought back a superb mink coat. "How beautiful," remarked an envious script girl at the studio. "Where did mademoiselle get that?" "I met a gentleman," said the haughty actress disdainfully, "who had $5000....et voila!" That summer the script girl took her vacation in the U.S. On her return she sported a mink coat equally as beautifully as the actress's. "Scare bleu!" exclaimed the astonished actress. "How did you get that?" "The same way as mademoiselle," replied the script girl icily, "only in my case I met a hundred gentlemen, and each had $5." |
Sex Booster | |
| A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food. Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" |
Goodnight Kiss | |
| One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!" |
Tree Huggers | |
| While walking through the forests a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..." |
Male Identity Tool | |
| Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband." The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband." The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village." |
Go to Town | |
| One day the sheriff sees Billy walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" The sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy continues "Well sheriff, me and Marry was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Marry said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Marry said that we should go up on the hill so we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Marry took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Marry lay on the ground and opened her legs and said, 'Okay Billy, go to town..." |
Naughty Customer | |
| 'I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife,' the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, 'but I don't know her size.' 'Will this help?' she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. 'Oh, yes,' he answered. 'Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.' 'Will there be anything else?' the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. 'Now that you mention it,' he replied, 'she also needs a bra and panties.' |
Retrieving Sniffer | |||||
| Police officers Rosa and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." Rosa replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the sniffer, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you." It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
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