Magic Trick

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee. The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave. "I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician. "Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies the magician. "Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!" Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids." With that, the customer becomes more irate and demands that he be shown at least one magic trick. "Ok, you want to see a magic trick?!", the magician asks. "Pull down your pants." The man looks skeptical but does as he's told. "Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does the magician walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician, "Can you feel my finger in your ass?" The man winces and replies, "Yeah." The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."

 

Gay in Heaven

A gay went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there." After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self-control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks. "Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Bigger Hand

A guy was driving on a winding forest road when suddenly a forest fairy jumps out in front of his car. He slams on the brakes and just avoids hitting the fairy. The fairy was relieved and as a reward to the drive, the fairy offers him one wish. The driver, a waiter by profession, tells the fairy he would like a bigger hand so that he can carry more glasses and plates and handle his tips better. The fairy grants his wish. Next day, he goes to work and a fellow waiter asks him about his big hand. He explained what happened and the other waiter then decided he too would go driving around on the winding forest road in the hope that he would also have a wish granted by the forest fairy. After work that evening, the waiter goes driving around for hours and hours on the same stretch of round and had almost given up hope when suddenly the fairy jumps out in front of his car. He slams the brakes on and just avoids hitting the fairy. The fairy approaches the guy and grants him a wish. The guy thinks long and hard and decides that he would like a big, long penis. The fairy warns him that not all girls like big penis. The waiter then says, "That's OK, I know someone with a big hand!"

 

Smelly Fingers

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, and then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

 

Brothel Arrests

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman. The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for. Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. "That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line. A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?" "It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"

 

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. "What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. "I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." "I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off." "Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder." "Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you."

 

 

Hidden Camera

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation. Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars. The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars. "Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?" The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

 

Sexual Purity

Three Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!' "Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!' "Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods. "Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers." "Ding-ding!"

 

Gay Parents

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the nursery, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One baby over in the corner is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?", Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

 

Bowl of Soup

A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, then storms out of there. The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse. She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he stiffed her on the tab and tip. So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his head buried between the prostitute's legs. "LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth full of them!" He slowly pulls his head out from between the girls legs and says, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I find a noodle in here I ain't paying for this som' bitch neither!"

Lesbian Guy

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blonde women sitting down. He tells the bartender, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink." The bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians." "Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about." So the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?" The young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?" One answered politely, "Well, we like to kiss, suck each other's tits...." The young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!"

 

Birthday Gift

Two gay lovers were talking. The first one says, "I think you left some- thing in my honey hole last night" The second one says, "I don't see how thats possible, but I'll check. Pull down you pants." He sticks his finger up the wazoo as far as he can and feels around. "There's nothing here." "Oh, I'm sure there's something. Probe farther," says the first. So the lover sticks two fingers, then three fingers, then finally his entire hand inside. "Hey there is something here!" he says, pulling out the object. "It's a Rolex Watch!" The first one begins singing, "Happy Birthday to You..."

 

Gay Lovers

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Jimmy loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Shuan was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

 

Best Friends

After dinner and a movie, Joe drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs." On their next date, Joe returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Joe slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs." On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

 

Aroma of Love

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

Sexual Vitality

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well, " answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically." The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What is the difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster." Then the old guy says, "How come everyone knows about this but me?"

 

The Mating Call

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

 

Face the Music

A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?" "Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the fuckin Clarinet." "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the fuckin Clarinet. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the Fucking Clarinet!"

 

The Fiery Finger

Every year at the state fair, a guy entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend he wasn't going to bother to enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" his friend asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, the guy grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, as he was passing old Mrs. Smith's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, he rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, he lost. The winning number was 707.

 

Circumcisions

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick" Eighteen Holes It was a rainy night and there was a hotel near the highway. Presently a man entered, "Do you have a room?" he asked, soaking wet. "Yep," the man drawled, "I got three: one full of lemon, one full of limes and one filled with eighteen naked women!" "Uh," the wet man said, "I'll take the one full of lemons." About half an hour later another man came in, "You have a room?" "Yep," said the attendant. "I got two: one full of limes and one filled with eighteen naked women." "I'll take the one full of limes," said the man. Still another man came in an hour later, "Jeez, it's wet! Got a room?" The attendant nodded, "Just one, full of eighteen naked women." The man reluctantly agreed to take it. The next morning, the three men woke up at the same time. The one with the lemons woke up and groaned, "God I feel like a lemon!" The one with the limes got up and mumbled, "Jeez, I feel like a lime." The one with the eighteen naked women woke up and said, "I feel like a golf ball!"