Heroism and Devotion

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A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."


Best Sex Ever

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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."



Sick Days

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Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"


My point exactly

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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



World's Fastest

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Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from India's Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!